Blonde Hair, Don’t Care

By the time my appointment came, I almost didn’t even want to do it anymore.  I got it in my head around the end of October that I wanted to dye my hair platinum blonde, and like most things, once I have the idea, I can’t just let it go.  I either act impulsively, or obsess over it until I finally just do it.  In the same manner, I have completed various certification programs, started (and continue) to write a blog, opened an Etsy shop, and  even got pregnant and had a baby.  Once an idea is in my head there is no where to go but out.  It doesn’t dissolve, or slowly melt away.  Rather, that tiny seed of a thought, if left there long enough, will grow like a big, fat, juicy tomato in the hot summer sun – splitting skin, deer nibbles, bug infestations and all.  Taking up space that should be used for things like financial planning, goal setting, and Christmas shopping lists, but instead I’m over here thinking, “Do I go full platinum, or maybe just an ombre? “ Serious life decisions, obviously.

So, I dyed it as blonde as my amazing hair stylist could get it, and while I didn’t love it, I didn’t totally hate it, either.  After all, I wanted to do it and I did, and it is kind of fun (although the answer is no, blondes do not have more fun.)  What I didn’t anticipate, however, was how other people would feel about my drastic change, or more importantly, how I would feel about how other people would feel.   I considered my husband, because if anyone’s opinions of how I look matter count, it’d be his.  But he is a “just go for it” kind of guy, so even when I was considering a less drastic “ombre” style, he would say, “Hey, go big or go home, right?”  I decided that I didn’t really care what anyone else thought, or so I had thought.

When the first few almost-compliments I received were about how good of a job the hairdresser did (go Allison!!) rather than “it looks good!”, I realized that I cared.  “Do you think you’ll keep it?” really meant “Don’t you regret doing that to your hair?”  Social media “likes” were probably more for having the courage to post a picture rather than looking good in the picture.  Like I said, I actually like it, and Dave has no complaints either, but when I know that I’m going to see someone who hasn’t yet seen me blonde, I brace myself for the awkward reaction.

This little experience has made me acknowledge a few things that I had convinced myself of otherwise.  I do care way more than I should about what other people think (about more things than just my hair), and I depend too much on external sources of approval (“likes” and such) more than I realized.  I was surprised to discover this inner fear of rejection, because I had myself convinced that I was some sort of carefree, confident soul, but bringing this fear to light is both a relief and a reminder that we can get so caught up in the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.  We forget that we are just as ever-changing as the hands of a clock, the turn of the seasons, and the earth we spin on.

Recognizing this insecurity I have been feeling – in the form of hair compliments of all things – has opened my eyes to the insecurities I have been avoiding in other areas of my life.  Being a stay at home mom while my friends advance in their careers has continued to return as an issue whenever I’m feeling especially inadequate in my current role, living far away from friends and family bothers me when I feel like it bothers friends and family who would rather us be closer, and plenty of other self-discoveries that would bore this readership if I were to list.  As hard it is to admit feeling weak and maybe a little dependent, it has been a great lesson that I am grateful to have learned, as silly as the life-curriculum had it play it out for me.

As soon as I could look at my slightly brassy blonde head in the mirror and find appreciation for what it meant for me – to be able to do something that I wanted to do, without worrying or caring how people would react or whether or not they approved, liked, or agreed with my choice – I found freedom.

I admit that this sounds so ridiculous and superficial, that I am trying to equate hair dye with some sort of deep inner wisdom, but I like that about life.  Lessons are everywhere, self-discovery is as easy as taking a step back from your life to just witness and observe, and you have the power and ability to be your own guru, your own therapist, and your own best friend.  I told my best friend in the mirror that she rocks that blonde pile of nonsense that helped her to uncover and conquer a couple of insecure demons.  Her response was,

Blonde hair, don’t care.

*Please do not confuse this post for a cry for compliments and comment things like “but it really does look good!” “I love your hair like that!” or any other things that you think I want to hear after reading this.  As much as it may seem like a shallow way to sneak in some feel-good, that was not the intention for writing this. 

Peace, Love & Hair Dye.

 

As Long As I’m On My Mat

Thirteen days.  That’s how many nights we stayed in hotels, living out of our suitcases and whatever was in my truck while the rest of our belongings remained locked up in the moving truck.  Two (and a half!) humans and two dogs, one suitcase, one duffel bag, one laundry basket filled with a random assortment of shower stuff, hoodies, towels, and water bottles, and a yoga mat.

Thank goodness for that yoga mat. . .

Surprisingly, I felt pretty great throughout the trip from North Carolina to Colorado.  I was worried about having to drive, since usually Dave takes the wheel for the majority of our trips up and down the East Coast.  He actually likes driving long distances.  I don’t mind it either, but I much prefer to have my feet on the dash, knitting needles in hand, and a neck pillow for naps whenever I feel like it.  This trip, however, Dave had to drive the big moving truck towing the Jeep while I drove my truck with the dogs in the back seat.  But, it wasn’t so bad.  Before the trip, my midwife advised me to stop every hour to stretch my legs and to drink plenty of water, which were both easy to do because being 7 months pregnant, my bladder encouraged me to stop every time I saw that blue rest area sign from the highway.  The dogs were motivation to stop as well, seeing as though we’d be on the road for about 4 days and they were used to daily hour long walks and lots of yard-playing time.  So, we stopped plenty, and while Dave played catch with the dogs at the stops that had nice, big, open fields, I used that time to get in a few downward facing dogs and standing pigeon variations – not really caring how silly it might look to passerby’s.  It felt GOOOOOOODDD.

Once we got to Colorado Springs, our new home, we were still hotel-bound until our house was ready for us to move in to.  To pass the time and keep the dogs happy (as well as explore this amazing mountain city) we went on a new hike almost every day!  Both the excessive movement and the stress of the unknown and the in-between called for plenty of hotel yoga sessions.  Again, thank goodness for that yoga mat!   Since I had no internet besides my smartphone, my practice looked something like this:

Put Krishna Das Pandora on phone

Easy seat with pillow under tailbone with palms facing down for grounding – I needed that badly.  Deep breaths in and out.  Start moving when all of the “I wonder where we’ll put the couch” and “I wonder how far the closest yoga studio will be” and “I need to stop spending so much money” stopped crowding my overwhemled, over-excited mind.

Side bends, neck circles, trunk circles, wrist circles – basically move anything that aches a little.

Move into Table and do some cat/cow stretches, then get creative and move the spine however felt good at the time – side to side, circular, combination of all of those movements in a way that I probably looked possessed by the devil or a belly dancer on hands and knees.  Whatever, it felt good and I needed it.

Down dog – aaaahhhhhhhhh 🙂 Stretch out the calves, go high up onto toes and stretch the feet, sway hips side to side.  Feels.  So.  Good.

Walk feet up (and out – belly’s getting in the way!) to hands, then place hands on two bottles of water (didn’t have blocks, had to get creative) and stretch tailbone way back and chest way forward for awesome hamstring stretch otherwise known as preggo-Uttanasana.  Stand all the way up – check to make sure not dizzy from altitude – one hand on heart, one over baby D kicking up a storm in my belly (he either loves or hates yoga because he’s always moving when I practice) and breathe for a few.

Few modified Sun Salutations – I miss jumping up and back and getting really deep into upward facing dog, but I have my whole life to do those things.  For now, Sun Sal’s include Chaturanga’s from my knees and plenty of Child’s poses.

Low lunge with both hands on the inside so belly has room.  Maybe a little twist.  Maybe grab the back foot for a quad stretch.  Definitely some hip circles and then straighten front leg for a nice big hamstring opener.  Yes.

Warrior I.  Shorter stance than usual due to some round ligament pain, but I’ll take it.  I’ll either do Eagle arms, Gomukasana arms, or simply interlace my fingers behind me for a shoulder/chest opener here.  I’ve been told to keep the upper back and shoulders in good form now, because when I’m breastfeeding and holding the baby all of the time these areas are going to get TIGHT!

Warrior II.  Reverse Warrior to Side Angle, back and forth, back and forth.  This makes me feel strong and graceful at the same time, which is something I haven’t been feeling much throughout this pregnancy.  Also, it feels REALLY good to stretch the side body.

Triangle.  One of my favorites, pregnant or not.  Sometimes I’ll go into Half Moon from here, if I’m feeling stable enough.

Goddess Pose – another one that makes me feel really strong.  I’ve also heard this is good for positioning the baby.  To keep my mind off my burning legs, I’ll do one of those arm stretches that I mentioned in Warrior I that I hadn’t done yet. 

Wide-legged Forward Fold with arms way out in front so it is more like a wide-legged downward facing dog than anything.  It’s nice to hang out upside down for a while, since I haven’t been practicing inversions too much.  It’s not that I think that it’s going to make my baby turn upside down or that I’m scared to fall, it just hasn’t felt good while pregnant so why do it?  I’ll just hang out here in this downdog/forward fold combo pose.

Sometimes I’ll balance in tree or dancer.  I try to fit a squat in there, too.  Sometimes I’ll do some other variations from Warrior I or II, but generally I’ll just go to the floor from here.

PIGEON!  Hell yeah.  The best.  There’s usually pillows stuffed under hips and one in front of me to hug while I chill out there for a bit.

Bound-Angle with heels way out in front.  I hardly come down at all, but it still feels great.

Wide-legged forward fold on the ground.  This is one of my favorites since being pregnant!  I don’t know why, but I love it, and I need it daily.  I’ll usually stack pillows in front of me and rest there for a while.  I should really invest in some bolsters. . . .

Some sort of seated twist here.  Gentle, of course.  No squishing baby D!  Then I’ll sit for a bit in easy seat, with one hand on my heart and one on my belly, feeling the kicks and turns and hiccups, and reflecting on how good I feel now that I’ve practiced and why it’s so important for me to get on my mat every single day.

Savasana that looks much more like “sleeping on my side snuggling with 5 pillows”.  I’ll take it!

When the pups come over and start licking my feet and/or face, I’ll slowly get up, turn Krishna Das off, roll up my mat, and give myself a pat on the back for practicing.  Go me.

As soon as the Comcast guy left after hooking up our internet, I unrolled my mat in the huge master bedroom next to the window that overlooks our backyard so the breeze was coming in.  I placed my Mac in front of my mat, logged into my YogaGlo account, picked a new prenatal class with Stephanie Snyder, and did a 45 minute practice.  Today I plan on checking out a prenatal class at this baby store nearby that sells wraps and diapers and other fun crunchy baby things.

My practice is needed more than ever when I’m in a state of change, whether that change be a trip (vacation or otherwise), a move across the country, the physical change of starting up a new activity that might leave you sore or just changing the intensity of that new activity, or the physical change of growing a baby!  Or, in my case, all of the above.  It helps to ground me when I’m feeling misplaced, and it helps to uplift me when I’m feeling bogged down and stressed.  It always reminds me that I’m exactly where I need to be, as long as I’m on my mat.

And so. . .The Adventure Begins

I miss this.

I let my domain name expire and have gone back to the old school blog.  The one I started right before this whole adventure began.  The one I still can’t figure out how to tag and add widgets to.  The one that doesn’t cost any money to maintain or make me feel pressured to understand SEO or any other social media terminology.

Ah, it feels good to be back to the green screen with the goofy smiles of my husband and his buddies at my all-dudes yoga class a few years back at the boxing gym in my hometown.

I guess I’m just looking for some kind of grounding, constant thing that I can rely on while everything is changing on me – my body, my location, my roles, my routines, my jobs.  When I stopped blogging 6 months ago, it was because I’m a horrible secret keeper, and I had too many secrets to keep.  There was too much on my mind that writing about green smoothies and yoga poses would somehow include hints about the baby I was secretly growing in my belly, and the potential move across the country that we had no idea we’d be making a year ago, and even 6 months ago weren’t really sure what we’d be doing and where.  It was just easier not to let my fingers touch the keypad at all.

I wanted to, though.  I had so many ideas about what to write about while I was struggling through morning sickness and falling asleep and/or snacking on my mat rather than practicing (but then discovering how amazing it felt when I actually had the energy/stomach to flow through some poses.  It was comical how drastic my diet changed due to my inability to stomach anything that didn’t have ketchup on it, so when I discovered Juice Plus+ I wanted to shout it from the rooftops I was so happy to be getting the nutrition from fruits and vegetables again!  When I started feeling great on the inside, but lousy when I looked at the scale or in the mirror at my changing body that did/does NOT look like the cute little basketball-bellied friends of mine, I wanted to share my internal battle with body image and self confidence.  I saw a chiropractor for the first time ever, whose adjustments helped my round ligament pain and an old rugby neck injury tremendously, and I wanted you to know!  My friends and family laugh at how calm and relaxed I am when we have 5 days to pack up our house, 3 days to drive across the country (6 months pregnant, with two dogs), and hopefully find a place to live sometime shortly after that.  I want to share my strategy for not letting the stress of our situation get to me, because I’m not quite sure how long my ignorant bliss will last!

Basically. . . . I’m back. . . . and I hope you are, too 🙂

It’s about time for another adventure. . . .